Why Won’t You Just Die?????

TOP 5 CHARACTERS YOU WOULD LIKE TO DROWN

by Bronto Incognito

Come on, you  know who they are.  Those characters you absolutely can’t stand and must, I mean MUST see them suffer and die!!!

Could be the villain, could be that whiny, magical sister that just appears out of nowhere halfway through the series, could be the obnoxious 3rd wheel to a love triangle.  If it were up to you, you’d grab that character and hold their head under the water of Character Death and watch them slip away into sweet oblivion, never to grace the pages of your precious book again.

Or you’d just throw them into the Hunger Games.  Either way,

bye

Now, some of these characters may already die in their books, but we’re not going to let them off so easily! (Or share spoilers of that caliber.) So, let’s get down to it, shall we?

5. Both Juliet AND Edward (but especially Edward) from The Madman’s Daughter

madmanSo…this book had so much promise and I really, REALLY wanted to like it.
Juliet is the daughter of Dr. Moreau and ends up on his island with Daddy Dearest, the sweet and honorable Montgomery, Edward, and all of Dad’s creations.Love triangle ensues, but for once the girl is pretty clear on who she likes more than the other.

Montgomery.

Edward tries to kiss her and she’s like: Uh…no.  Let’s pretend this never happened.
Edward: But…you know how I feel about you!!!

So?  Girl said no!  REPEATEDLY.
Edward: But I’m so much better for you than he is!!! LOVE ME DANGIT!!!
Juliet: I do love Montgomery, but now I feel bad for wanting to kiss him and pushing Edward away.  Even though I don’t want Edward, I should still feel bad for not wanting him.

Um….what???  Plus, Edward’s got some massive, darker-than-normal secrets going on, Juliet keeps like…rediscovering that Dad is nutso, and she refuses to see any of the creations as deserving of the life they have.
I just…I can’t with these two….

4. Crazy Dude in Bird Box

birdboxWhat to say about this book?

Super creepy and awesome.  Technically I think it’s New Adult, though it gets filed into YA sometimes.

The story is told in alternating time lines, one in the present and one with the things that happened four years ago.  Based on the present you already know some stuff went down four years ago, so it’s not a terrible surprise when something goes terribly, horribly wrong.

And all of it centers around this one crazy dude.
Sort of.

I don’t want to ruin what happens in this book for anyone, but suffice it to say, I would happily drown this character.

3. Vaughn in The Chemical Garden Trilogy

witherIn case you haven’t read my review of this series, here’s the setup: we fixed all diseases and made people age super slow.  Great.  But then their kids die out btw the ages of 20-25.  No one knows how to stop it.
Rhine and 2 other girls are kidnapped and taken to a mansion to become the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th wives of a rich daddy’s boy they’ve never met.

And the dad is Vaughn.

And he’s terrible and mean and manipulative and his reach goes so far beyond what you think it does it’s practically unbelievable. But he did it.  ALL of it.

And I would very much like to see him suffer for it.

 

2. Caleb in Divergent Trilogy

calebAnd then we have this douche right here.

I’m sorry, there is no other word for Caleb.
Tris’s brother was an elitist, arrogant, weak-minded, weak-willed, self-entitled little…. AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

If you’ve seen these books or watched these movies you know this fool needed to die.  I would desperately like to watch career tributes put a trident or a spear through this guy’s chest!

Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……………..

1. Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter

umbridgeThat look right there!  I mean, come on!!! HOW DID SHE NOT DIE AT THE END OF THIS BOOK!!!!!

Everyone else did!

(Except for Tonks and Lupin who I think my friend, N, would agree are just lying down to take a nap at the end of so much fighting.)

Seriously, this should not be a surprise and I would not be shocked in the slightest to see her end up on other people’s lists as well.  I really wish the series could have left her back in St. Mungo’s, sharing space with Lockhart and mumbling about crazy centaurs and those darn meddling kids.

Just shove her head under and silence that little squeak of a laugh forever!!!!!!!!!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Whew!  I feel a little better now.  I was getting myself all worked up coming up with that list.  So many good choices.  If we’d included TV characters…Dawn Summers, from Buffy.  At least up until season 7.  Pres. Snow was a good choice, but he’s such a good villain and counterpart to Katniss that I’m okay with the way things went down in the books/movie.  The parents in the book The Chosen One by Carol Lynch Williams.  They’re living in a polygamist cult and their leader just announced their 13 year old daughter is going to marry her 65 year old uncle.  Which is creepy and gross even by their society’s standards.  But dad is like, “Sorry.  We leave the compound and people won’t like that I have four wives…”
Grrrr….
But I could see how he might feel stuck and running with that many kids could seem undoable.  This is how cults work.

So this is my list.  What characters would you like to have killed off?  Which obnoxious twits never got their comeuppance?  Let us know down below!!!!

And don’t forget to check out my Top 5 from last month if you haven’t already!!!

prim

 

–Bronto Incognito

bronto 10a

 

 

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