by Stegosaurus Wilde
My Top 5 Characters to Drown
5. Gilderoy Lockhart from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Now, don’t get me wrong, I find Professor Lockhart really entertaining. His peacock preening and general ineptitude is pretty hilarious. BUT! The very fact that he thinks he is so wonderful, and that he lies and erases people’s memories to get where he is, is despicable. And at the end, he’s willing to abandon Ginny and run away. He deserves everything he gets.
4. Hattie & Olive from Ella Enchanted
The evil step-sisters in this retelling of Cinderella are every bit as nasty as the originals, except they might be even more simpering. Scary, right?
3. Billy Raven from the Charlie Bone Series
Granted, I’m only in the beginning of book three. But in the first two books, Billy Raven, a young albino boy who can talk to animals, goes from being a pitiful boy without a family to, well, still a pitiful boy without a family, but also a spy for the evil Ezekiel Bloor. He spies on the children who are supposed to be his friends in order to earn little rewards like a nice flashlight or a new pair of boots. He’s pathetic, but not good pathetic.
2. Mayor Lemander Cole in City of Ember
The mayor in this book is a slimy, dishonest man. He’s also the only overweight person in the entire city. It’s not because being overweight is a character flaw. Rather, it’s because he hoards resources. Others go without so that he can feed his massive appetite. He’s so horrible that you just really want to drown him. It’s fitting, really, since he actually does drown.
Okay, so I decided to cheat. SuddenButInevitable isn’t the only one who can do that! Besides, all these TV characters have their own cheesy books. We can just pretend they’re middle grade, right? Because Caillou is the worst. Really. It would make me so happy to wake up tomorrow and hear that, through some weird space-time continuum, sci-fi, magical transpirings, the whiniest character in the history of humankind had actually drowned in his primary colored bathroom. I’m going to go drift off to that happy thought right now. As you were, everyone.
Don’t forget to check out Bronto Incognito’s list!